I am Lost...Help Me...'s Journal|
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I am Lost...Help Me...'s LiveJournal:
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|Saturday, June 24th, 2006|
Hi I'm new here, i just need a place to post my thoughts.
I dont' even quite know if i have a problem but it's a long winded on if it is...
I am currently with my bf of 5 months. He's the first one i had. He loves me with all his heart and i don't doubt it for a second. I care about him deeply but there's something that keeps me distant from him...
Before i got together with my bf, I met a really great guy. He grabbed my attention the first time we met and the second time we spoke to none another, i fell for him. It was almost love at first sight i guess. That was three years ago and up to 6 months ago, i never stopped being in love with him. It was only a little after then (not knwoing that i was no longer single) that he decided to very shyly tell me he fell for me the first time we met and had liked me ever since. By then, i was already attached to my bf. I told him i had liked him in the past but that was just that, the past.
From that point, i never really saw him again, not because we stayed away from each other deliberately, but because we never seemed to cross paths... until last week when we ran into each other. After 30 seconds of talking to him, i knew exactly why i had fallen for him. Now i keep thinking about the first time we met, the times we shared with each other, all the funny things he's said to me in those 3 years we liked each other but never knew. He was the sweetest thing to me, always offering a hand, always seeign right through me, always being there to say things i really needed to hear and being a really terrific friend.
My bf is a wonderful person. I care about him so much and i dont' want to hurt him in the least. I thought I fell for my bf. I thought i was completely and utterly over this other guy. But now I'm torn. On one hand, my bf is this amazing and terrific guy. On the other hand, i feel like i have an entire history with this other guy, a history i don't have with my bf. Sometimes my bf feels so distant and this other guy feels like home.......
ARGH. Having written this post, it's almost become crystal clear what i should do..... i just can't bring myself to do it.
|Tuesday, December 27th, 2005|
break free... add them to your mix tape.
|Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005|
so as confusing as one can be. someone has totally confused me. i really have no idea what i'm suppose to think of anything at all.
so something happen between my ex, and i. and he assumes that i don't care about him, and other people seem to care about him more then me. well when i tryed to call him, and see if things were okay he told me that he never wanted to talk to me again, and i was basically a stupid whore.
yeah that's special love for you right there. anyways, so some time passed, and we asked each other for our things back. well he then asked me if i was going to be going to a concert. why it was any of his buisness i'll never know. i told him no, but my friends got me to go anyways. where they made sure that i didn't get to see him at all. which i was happy about.
then we give each other our things back, and he asked me if i knew about the Tori Amos concert coming up. no i didn't. well he let's me know when tickets go on sale. and then i had to see him the next week cause he forgot my chess board that i got for chirstmas. well he was being nice again, and then asked me if i got the tickets. and i told him no, i couldn't afford it this week. "neither could I"
why does it matter. i don't understand it. is there something that i'm not getting. can someone else clue me into the things i can not seem to understand about all of this. Current Mood: confused
|Wednesday, May 11th, 2005|
I wonder how will we help each other...?
|Friday, May 6th, 2005|
Im new so i thought ill introduce myself im Samantha and im from Australia, i love writing poetry so i might post something here. anyway got any questions just ask...
|Wednesday, November 10th, 2004|
Sadness of curiosity
I sit here and wonder and cry. Im not sure if its from depression or what? I was watching a movie a little bit ago and it drew tears to my eyes. The movie, "Saved". It has Mandy Moore in it. And its about a girl Jena Malone, she is a teenage who goes to a christan shool and it is a school where they send off all the kids who are different. Gay boys, Lesbians, kids who like heavy metal... The list goes on. The girl, Jena ends up pregnate. She decides to have sex with her boyfriend after finding out that he is gay. She thinks that this is something that will save him from hell. In the end of the movie, they see that it is alright to be who they are and that just cause they are different dosent make them any less special. Thats what I got from the movie. I brings a tear to my eye cause it makes me remember when I had my little girl. I am a gay man. I have been through so much crap in my life yet I still smile no matter what and I wonder why? How? How can I smile and still stay happy? When my daughter was born I came out of the closet. That was a huge damper on her mother. She still to this day hates me and wants me to have nothing to do with my daughter. She makes it out that I dont even try to see her. But every time that I do she makes my life a living hell. I wonder if I am the only person who feels this way. I gave up my whole life about 2 years ago. I gave up my boyfriend, my job, my friends, and my family just to move up there to be around her. When I was in Florida things that we talked about were different. When I got up there they were all a different story. I was not allowed to go out, to have friends, to do anything, she wanted me to stay at the house and not go or do anything. I could not do that. I cried the whole time I was up there. I think I moved out of her house 2 weeks after I got there. Wait... SHe threw me out of her house. Why do I feel like the bad person? Why do I sit here and cry over this? I feel that I do not een belong here. I am not happy in life yet I still smile.. Thiongs do get better right? Current Mood: depressed
|Monday, July 26th, 2004|
Just wanted to write something in this community. The name caught my attention...
eyes and hands are my weakness...if it is a weakness to be mezmorized Current Mood: contemplative
|Sunday, June 27th, 2004|
Made a drawing of my ex'es face yesterday.
Couldn't quite catch her eyes...
guess I never could, babe....
|Friday, June 25th, 2004|
Kinda saw your prayers and joined in...I'm new to this, so a bit guidance would have been great...just got of my work, feeling bored...
|Thursday, June 3rd, 2004|
|Tuesday, May 18th, 2004|
why am i so weird?
What do you do when you feel lonely all the time even when you're with friends, family...etc?
I cry too much..when i dont even know why..
I hate being me...i hate most things about me. I hate the way that I look, hate the way that i'm so emotional, i hate it when people are mad at me, i just hate my life.
I feel like there is so much negative that I cant see my way to the positive. I feel like such a failure. I feel like there is nothing that i'm good for. I feel like crap all the time.
I just want love.
I just want to give up... Current Mood: sad
have u ever felt like u want something so badly but then when u have it, it just doesnt feel right? and it tears you apart inside..and part of you still wants it so right but its still hurting you, but you don't know why? Current Mood: confused
|Monday, May 17th, 2004|
|Wednesday, May 12th, 2004|
once again..pplz plz join un_complete
:-D..i have no life!! love u all! MwAz
|Sunday, May 9th, 2004|
i bet if i died nobody would ever notice until my body would start to smell.
i hate myself..
i was thinking...and i think deep,down, inside..nobody really gives a shit.
why do i bother to think people are my friends?
i shouldve stuck with last years conclusions, there are no such things as friends!!!!
|Friday, May 7th, 2004|
does anyone have aim or aol and wants to chat?
i love how music can make someone feel so much better sometimes <3 Current Mood: amused