Ntstr8htboi4u (ntstr8htboi) wrote in eyesnhands,

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Sadness of curiosity

I sit here and wonder and cry. Im not sure if its from depression or what? I was watching a movie a little bit ago and it drew tears to my eyes. The movie, "Saved". It has Mandy Moore in it. And its about a girl Jena Malone, she is a teenage who goes to a christan shool and it is a school where they send off all the kids who are different. Gay boys, Lesbians, kids who like heavy metal... The list goes on. The girl, Jena ends up pregnate. She decides to have sex with her boyfriend after finding out that he is gay. She thinks that this is something that will save him from hell. In the end of the movie, they see that it is alright to be who they are and that just cause they are different dosent make them any less special. Thats what I got from the movie. I brings a tear to my eye cause it makes me remember when I had my little girl. I am a gay man. I have been through so much crap in my life yet I still smile no matter what and I wonder why? How? How can I smile and still stay happy? When my daughter was born I came out of the closet. That was a huge damper on her mother. She still to this day hates me and wants me to have nothing to do with my daughter. She makes it out that I dont even try to see her. But every time that I do she makes my life a living hell. I wonder if I am the only person who feels this way. I gave up my whole life about 2 years ago. I gave up my boyfriend, my job, my friends, and my family just to move up there to be around her. When I was in Florida things that we talked about were different. When I got up there they were all a different story. I was not allowed to go out, to have friends, to do anything, she wanted me to stay at the house and not go or do anything. I could not do that. I cried the whole time I was up there. I think I moved out of her house 2 weeks after I got there. Wait... SHe threw me out of her house. Why do I feel like the bad person? Why do I sit here and cry over this? I feel that I do not een belong here. I am not happy in life yet I still smile.. Thiongs do get better right?
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